Proverbs 18:22 – “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” 

1 Corinthians 7:7-9 – “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.  To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.  But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

For a while I’ve gotten a few questions related to the season of singleness that everyone goes through at some point in their life.  Most of the questions surround how they can find the right spouse.  Sometimes I’ll respond to them by saying, “What do you mean?  I thought you were already married?”  This question is always good for a confused look or two, before I explain what I mean.  In order to have a healthy understanding of the pursuit of a spouse, and ultimately marriage, as a Christian you must know that you are already married to Christ.  He is your bridegroom, and you are His bride.  (Mark 2, Eph 5) Now I know that gets a little weird if you’re a guy, but we’re talking about a spiritual relationship, not a physical one.  You see, if someone does not truly understand that they are already married to Christ, they will seek contentment and fulfillment in their relationship to a spouse rather than God.  In that case, marriage is probably the last thing that Christian should do.  I believe that in part is what Paul is trying to guard against in 1 Corinthians 7 above.  Marriage inevitably will draw time and attention away from Christ to put on your spouse, which can tempt someone to make a spouse into an idol before God.

So my first question is, how are you doing in your marriage to Christ?  Do you love Him well through obedience to His Word?

Ok, so let’s say you’re loving God well, and you have a desire to be married, what then?  Notice here I’m not saying a desire to date.  God didn’t not make men and women for dating, but for marriage.  Therefore, if marriage isn’t your goal, then don’t date.  Some here will disagree with me, and I will wholeheartedly agree to change my position on this if you can find one example of dating in the Bible where marriage was not the end goal.  To save you some time, you won’t find any.  Ok, so now you’re asking – whom should I pursue?  Where should I look?

Start with this.  Make a list of everything that you’d want in a spouse.  Ask a Christian brother or sister to look it over, and see if they believe that your list aligns with scripture.  Now, take that list that you just made, and ask yourself (and your Christian brother or sister) how well you match up to that list.  If you’re honest with yourself, you probably wouldn’t make the cut on your own list.  So here’s what I would say – throw that list out.  You’re already married to Christ, and the person you marry is going to have flaws.  If you come into a marriage expecting that person to be Christ, you will be sorely disappointed and miserable throughout your marriage, and your spouse will feel constantly judged.

Here is my list.

1)  Does the person convey a genuine love for God.  Now to guard against a sentimental emotional definition of love here, the love for God I’m talking about here is evidenced by brokenness over sin in their life and a desire to submit their lives fully to God’s Word?  If a person isn’t broken over their own sin, and does not understand grace, they will not understand your failings, and be unwilling to offer grace to you.  If the person does not want to submit their lives to God’s Word, then they’re probably not a Christian, and then why would you want to date someone where they would not understand or discourage you from pursuing your greatest treasure – Christ?  It’s also commanded of you not to bind yourself to an unbeliever. (2 Cor 6:14)

1a)  Does this person share the same fundamental beliefs about God’s as you?  Now many here can take this too far.  What I would say is earnestly strive to build a robust common theological understanding of God from the scriptures.  I have this as 1a, because what you believe about God, affects how you feel about God and how you will love Him and others.  Strive for as much common ground as possible, but be willing to leave room for disagreement on non-essentials.  Ultimately, I’ll say that if you and your spouse do not share a similar understanding of the sovereignty of God and the gospel, things will be very difficult for you in marriage.  If one spouse believes that God is surprised when evil happens, and another believes God is working all things towards good (even evil) for those who love God and have been called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28), you will want to comfort one another in very different ways when bad things happen, and it will create very difficult friction.  Likewise, clearly if one spouse believes a different gospel, such as one that denies that Christ bore the wrath of God for sins, or one that says Christ did not physically raise from the grave, I would caution against marrying that person.

2)  Does the person have a servant’s heart?  I wish it would be understood that this is the same as #1, however, there are many self-righteous morally, that have no affection for others’ physical and spiritual needs.

3)  Do you have a modest level of physical attraction to the person.  Here again, I could expound, but I will stop only to say that if you have a solid undestanding of God, and your delight is in Him, your delight in a child of God will extend much further than what is outwardly visible, which is going to ultimately pass away.

So there you go.  This is about as pragmatic as I can be, when what I really want to say is this – be content in your pursuit of a glorious marriage to Christ.  Delight yourself in God first, and then God may choose to bring someone along who will help you see God even clearer.  This doesn’t mean God will not use means to do this.  I think some people border on putting God to the test by saying that they will never go out on dates, etc, and expect that God will simply provide a spouse – like a genie in a lamp.  I literally knew one girl who expected some guy to just show up at her door one day, telling her that God had sent him.  Pursue Christ with other believers, and be open pursuing those you see around you who are pursuing Christ well.

The purpose of marriage was never meant to fill gaps for God.  The purpose in marriage was to better our already existing marriage to Christ, and prepare us for our marriage to Christ for eternity.  Do not look to your spouse to be Christ.  That is a burden none of us could bear.  Ask yourself how are you married to Christ now?  If you are married to a spouse, how are you encouraging his/her marriage to Christ?  Understanding that will give us a better framework to pursue marriage, grow closer to Christ in marriage, and be quick to offer grace to one another as fallen sinners.  More could be said, but hopefully this is helpful some.

Grace and Peace,
Adam